Ladies, Stop Shooting Your Shot!
Recently, I watched actress Vivica Fox talk about giving entrepreneur/rapper 50 Cent another chance. Why not? She responded to an interviewer asking her about an ex from 20 years ago!! Meanwhile, 50 is in another relationship and rumored to be engaged. He has also disparaged Fox, so I’m unclear why she would be open to giving this man another chance and putting it out there, low-key “shooting her shot.” I am embarassed for her.
In the same way, I’m embarrassed for women who get down on their bended knee and propose to a man. Or the myriad of women who have no self-worth and pursue men like they are the last water in the desert. Please stop this!
Men Know What They Want
Let’s be very clear because we are all adults, and I know you can take it, even if you don’t like what I’m saying.
MEN KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT. If he is not pursuing you, then he doesn’t want you.
You don’t have to shoot your shot. You don’t have to pursue a man. He noticed you, or maybe not. If he didn’t make a move, he isn’t into you like that. MOVE ON!
Ages ago, I had two friends: one male, the other female. The male and I were at a bar having drinks like we often did at the time. The female friend popped up with some friends of her own. We saw each other and I went to say hello. At that moment, she asked me what was up with my friend and whether or not I was seeing him. I told her, “No,” he’s a good friend of mine and very cool. She then proceeded to share that she was interested and to let him know. I did. His response? “Sure, you can give her my number.” TRANSLATION: I’m not really into that, but if she gives me some ass, we can do this.
I didn’t share the translation portion with my friend but told her she should let it go. She did not listen. Fast-forward, these two did not work out. Unfortunately, he did not choose her. She picked him, and there is a difference.
It’s a Hard Job But
Listen, I understand the idea of “waiting around for a man” to show interest in you seems archaic. After all, women are capable of so many things these days. In every other area of your life, you have agency and autonomy, and you take initiative for the things you want. So it’s understandable why sitting back and relaxing regarding your love life is challenging. However, unless you are ok with being in the masculine role in your relationship for the foreseeable future, it’s best to be receptive to a man’s advances and let him take the lead.
How has that been working for you?
Some people disagree. How has that been working out for you? Usually, staunch feminists argue that they have agency and don’t have to “wait around for a man to decide what he wants.” Instead, they can “hit on a man first”; they can be the ones to “approach a man first.” After all, this isn’t the 50s. They firmly believe that men and women are the same. I’m afraid I have to disagree. We are equal but not the same and we are wired differently. There are exceptions to every rule. You can find a woman who proposed to a man who is still happily married to him 30 years later. You can find a couple where the woman took the lead, and they are still head over heels in love. However, trust me; you will feel better and more secure in your relationship if you allow a man to pursue you.
Be receptive instead of actively pursuing
You can initiate, but not in the same way men intiate. Your initiation is being receptive. You can smile warmly and briefly maintain eye contact when he looks at you, letting him know you are open and available. Instead of directly asking a man if he wants to go out with you or getting his number, you can set the stage for him to ask you (if he is interested). Ask him for help with something. Ask him for wine suggestions. Anything. Now, he can see you, provide assistance, and keep the conversation going if interested.
Aggressive Women Are a Turnoff
Hitting on, pursuing men, running them down and feeling like you can do anything they can do, is a major turnoff to the average masculine man. It also sends the message that you don’t value yourself because you don’t see yourself as the prize. If you don’t see yourself as valuable, why would a man experience you that way?
You might get played with from time to time. Your pursuit lets a man know he can get easy and cheap sex from you. However, you certainly won’t get the commitment and devotion you seek from the kind of men you actually want it from, so stop.
The Damage of Pursuit
Women who pursue men who are not into them experience the following:
Crumbling self-esteem — It will not take long before you question your self-worth. If you can’t accept that this man does not want you, you’ll start wondering if something is wrong with you. Why doesn’t he like me? You might double down on your efforts as you seek reciprocity and experience more rejection, turning this whole circus into a vicious cycle.
He’ll use you — Even the kindest man will use a willing participant simply because he can. It’s hard for someone to care more about you than you care about yourself and if he can get something that he wants with minimal time or investment, then most men will take advantage.
It’s Taxing — Unrequited love can be mentally and emotionally exhaustive. Instead of moving on from an untenable situation, too many women become overly consumed with the possibilities of why this connection is not happening the way they had hoped or wished.
Men value women they invest in — When a man pursues a woman and courts her, trying to impress her and win her over little by little, it’s an exhiliarting feeling and provides a sense of accomplishment for him. This, in turn, becomes the impetus for him to invest in the relationship and the woman continuously. When a woman takes this process away from him, it becomes too easy for him to lose interest in her. Simply put, it’s hard to value a woman that comes too easily for a man.
Don’t Chase Him. Replace Him!
Start valuing yourself. Start seeing yourself as someone special. Start thinking of yourself as a woman who should and is pursued by high-value men, and let the game come to you. If he isn’t giving you the treatment or attention that you deserve, it’s simple. Don’t chase him, replace him!
