Take these Actionable Steps to Quickly Heal From a Break-up
Can you relate to the toxic cycle of repeatedly returning to a person and relationship, internally hoping for a change? Essentially, breaking up to make up! The relationship isn’t going in the direction you want, and it’s clearly not healthy, but for some reason, it is too hard to move on.
Oftentimes, people have a trauma bond with their significant other that is hard to disengage from. Usually, in these relationships, there is an immense high - some beautiful moments where things are going swimmingly well. However, that moment is fleeting and is often quickly followed by something hurtful. In my past, I kept going back to emotionally unavailable men, hoping for a change. That change never came.
Usually, you experience some level of cognitive dissonance where you are not even able to recognize the emotional pain the relationship is causing you, OR you rationalize and justify it as being normal. Miscategorizing toxicity as passion. Personally, I always knew when I was unhappy in a relationship. When I ended things, I would often have these flash in the pan moments of strength, juxtaposed to longer stints of weakness and defaulting to habits. It was so much easier to return to what was familiar to me, despite how hurtful it might have been.
Time is an invaluable commodity that we can never get back so when you realize that you are not getting what you want from a relationship or “situationship”, the solution is simple: move on! As emotions and connections grow deeper, it never gets easier to leave someone. Yet oftentimes, we stick around hoping that something will change. It rarely, if ever, does.
These actionable steps will prime you for post break-up holistic healing.
Experience Your Emotions, But Don’t Reside There —
And definitely don’t act on them. I knew I wanted to divorce my husband and by the time he moved out, the relationship was beyond repair. He incited rage and anger inside of me that was indescribable. Yet, underneath the anger, lived pain and sadness that I was unable to control. There were times when I would just cry on the kitchen floor or slide down on the shower floor and sob. These moments were often filled with me beating myself up for not moving on fast enough. It was a self-destructive cycle, until I learned to lean into these emotions and accept that this was part of the break up. Once I accepted that it was ok to be upset about the break-up, I was able to experience the emotion, and then, move on with my day.
Pour into yourself —
Breakups can spark and fuel tremendous personal achievement when you channel the energy properly. Even some of the most balanced relationships, sometimes lead to us not spending enough time on our own personal interests and pursuits. Post break-up, you can often find yourself with time that you never had before. Use that time to go inward. Take up new hobbies. Reconfigure your goals. Build on friendships that might have lacked attention.
Take a break from dating —
Give yourself time to heal and deal with what transpired in your relationship. Don’t immediately jump into the next relationship, full speed ahead. Often times there are things that you aren’t dealing with, and the new relationship is a simple distration. Unfortunately, if you do not take the necessary time to heal properly, you will experience some of those same issues in your next relationship. So don’t be afraid to be alone and date yourself or your friends for a little while, before getting back in the saddle.
Form new habits —
In a relationship, you have a way of being that you were used to. Getting out of a relationship can initially feel very much like a fish out of water. When I first separated from my husband, I didn’t know how to be or even who I was. I mourned for my former identity almost as much as I grieved the relationship. Maybe even more so. I changed my room. I started my day with affirmations. I made self-improvement a priority. I started sleeping on his side of the bed or the middle:)
The more you know —
One of the best things the break-up of my marriage gave me was a crystal clear picture of what I do and don’t want. I don’t think I realized how easily I would settle when dating. I had an idea that if I loved my boyfriend/husband enough, everything will sort itself out. In my marriage, I realized that this is simply magical thinking and not the case. That relationship allowed me to come to terms with what it is I need in a relationship, and the traits that I value in a man. Seeing this way helped me to change my perspective on my ex. Instead of being angry at him, I started to thank him (mentally, of course) for putting me closer to the person and relationship that is a better fit for me.
Build it and they will come —
You have heard it more than once. “When you aren’t looking for it, someone will come.” When you start focusing on creating the life you want, and seeking out beautiful experiences that make you feel good and fill you up, you will start vibrating higher. You will be fulfilled and present differently to the outside world. As a result, you will attract opportunities, people, partners, experiences, etc that are more in alignment with your new identity and value system.
Breakups are never easy, but the pain doesn’t have to endure indefinitely. You can get through it and come out better on the other side. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like someone you love, and commit yourself to truly understanding that you are worth of something more and better.
