When the Sex Disappears — Is the Relationship Over?
Like many people in a long-term committed relationship, I have experienced my share of sex dry spells. My marriage had a few of them. Usually, it was not a result of fighting or anything overly dramatic, but more often the by-product of a few dry days turned into a withstanding habit that eventually triggered one of us, or both of us into deciding that we couldn’t go on this way and needed to make a change. After all, we were married. Why wouldn’t we be engaged in consistent sex when we were laying right next to a warm able-bodied individual on a nightly basis?
My husband had a standard “I want to have sex” move. He would serve me some sort of libation while we watched one of our late-night tv shows. Sometimes it would be the Prosecco I loved. Other times, it would be a simple shot of tequila. When it was the tequila, I knew, he really, really wanted to get laid and I was annoyed by this. His rudimentary belief that my inebriation would lead to his sexual satiation, was disappointing and almost insulting. Once when we were on vacation in San Francisco, he plied me with edibles thinking once again that if I got high and loose, he would get passionately laid. Instead, I got too high and ended up throwing up and crying in the bathroom all night. He repeatedly said out loud to himself, “fuck me”. The next day, he tried to get me to have just one piece of weed-infused chocolate instead of the whole bar. I was incensed. He was too narcissistic to realize that you shouldn’t have to get your wife high or drunk to get laid. Sexually, I just wasn’t into him.
It wasn’t always like that. He wasn’t the best I ever had, but our sex was not awful from the onset. So many people underestimate the impact of an emotional connection on their sex life with their significant other. We were disconnected in so many ways. It was hard for me to forget about that when it came down to sex. I came to dread the way he would snuggle up to me in bed when he wanted sex. I just didn’t want to have sex with him. The moments I gave in, I would just muscle through it. I rarely enjoyed it. We had our moments but generally speaking, we were friends and partners for a period in time. Before we ended up having other issues unrelated to sex that became insurmountable, it seemed almost unreasonable to end a relationship simply because the sex was lacking.
We were not the only ones. A few coworkers confided in me that they too “loved their significant other” they just were not having sex. One friend told me her sex drive was higher than her husband’s. She would come on to her the way my husband would come on me. He would thwart her efforts. She was frustrated. She felt unloved and undesired. She was desperate for a sidepiece to satisfy her. When I asked her if she would leave her man because of this, her response was an emphatic “no”. He was the father to her sons, she couldn’t do it. But it was still important enough to her to cheat.
Another man claimed after his girlfriend had their daughter, their sexual interactions slowly dwindled down until it was only reserved for special occasions. Another man also claimed he rarely had sex with his wife. His rationale was that she just wasn’t a sexual person despite the fact that they did have regular sex before they got married. The lies people tell themselves to feel better about something will always be amusing to me.
If a couple starts out having regular sex and being sexually attracted to each other and that dissipates, this is typically an indication that something is amiss. While most of us can not expect to daily flip off the headboard and engage in salacious sex marathons with our partner, sex life is a standard part of a healthy relationship between two people that love each other. Some couples are comfortable with a sexless relationship. However, usually, this is a case where both people have agreed to the status quo, as opposed to one person unilaterally refusing to have sex, and the other person just going along for the ride.
To solve a sexless relationship, both parties have to engage in honest dialogue. They might even need to involve an objective professional who can get to the heart of the real disconnect between the two so they can determine if the sex is salvageable. Sometimes, libidos are no longer compatible and sexual desires are out of sync. It is truly a personal decision determining whether or not a non-existent sex life with someone you still love is a dealbreaker. There might be other solutions. Only you and your partner can decide what matters most. Don’t be afraid to end a sexless relationship. It just might change your life for the better.
