If All You Have Is Love, Your Relationship Is Doomed
I am in love, with love. Seriously. I’ve been hurt before, but it hasn’t dissuaded me from remaining open to finding the man for me. I love the waves of emotion that course through my body at the beginning of a budding relationship. I enjoy the warm cozy feeling I get when I’m in the company of a man that I adore. Settling into a passionate kissing session, enduring steamy and erotic marathons, and sinking into his chest while remaining snug in his arms are all things I enjoy. The prolonged phone calls. The lengthy text sessions. I truly enjoy sharing my life with someone that I’m into and who feels the same about me.
After enduring a few break-ups and consulting with close friends on their relationships, it’s blatantly clear that love alone, simply can not sustain a relationship. This widely held principle is fantasy and the kind of idyllic mass ideology that fairytales are made of. It is the kind of mentality that will set you up to be disappointed, disenchanted, and heading for a break-up as soon as that new relationship smell wears off.
Relationships are hard, and they are work. Just because they are both of these things, does not mean that you and your partner, “were not meant to be” or the relationship “is not right for you”. If you truly love someone, you commit to working on things and resolving issues, rather than hot-tailing it out of there, at the first sign of friction. People with the “love conquers all” mentality, tend to split when “love isn’t conquering all”. So, what else is needed to sustain a relationship?
A Shared Value System
You can love someone until you are blue in the face, but if you don’t share the same values, it will be hard to find long-term happiness together. Values determine what you prioritize in life and when your priorities differ as a couple, you will rarely be on the same page. Fundamentally, it will be challenging to understand some of your partner’s choices, because you simply disagree on what is important and what is the most sensible decision, both as individuals and as a unit. It does not make sense to move further with someone who is adamant about having a boatload of children when you have envisioned a childless future for yourself. Things like this just don’t disappear simply because you love someone.
Respect
I have truly loved a handful of men and I realized that losing respect for them, was always the precursor to the end of the relationship. Or vice versa; feeling devalued in a relationship like my feelings and desires didn’t matter to them. Maintaining a level of respect for your significant other primes the stage for you to handle conflict with dignity. It allows you to communicate in a way with your partner, that does not allow room for contempt.
Common Goals /Vision
What does the future look like together? Similar to shared values, this is something that could be a real source of contention, especially in the interim. With different goals and ideas of the future, you could honestly be working against each other instead of together. I pulled the plug on my last relationship when I realized that my man simply didn’t want the things that I wanted. I was working hard for a future that involved less hustle and more enjoying life, something that I believed, we both wanted. However, he was short-sighted and rarely contemplated beyond the year ahead. Or worse, he would agree to want one thing and when probed, would change his mind. It was draining and finally, I realized that while I loved him and we enjoyed some good times together, I would remain disappointed and unfulfilled in that relationship.
Team Mentality
Things are rarely, ever equal in a relationship and that’s normal. We all have our role to play. What role that is, should be determined by the two people involved in the relationship. Maybe one person is best at maintaining finances, while the other person handles the social calendar or shutters children to school and extracurricular activities. Whichever way tasks and roles are distributed, the most successful couples understand that they are on the same team and communicate to establish a system that works for both parties.
Relationships are beautiful, but if all you have is love, then, your relationship might not be set up for the long haul. Push past the initial spark and make sure you have the four crucial components that contribute to the longevity of the relationship.
