Get Out: The Ultimate Truth Behind Being the Other Woman
I was involved in an illicit affair with a married man at the very same time that I was married, myself. I certainly never set out to be “the other women” nor cheat.
Here are my top ten honest takeaways from that experience:
The price you pay — It started out fun…Sex everywhere. In public parks. Movie theaters. Hotels all over our city. Stairwells, even. Restaraunt bathrooms. Cars. If you can think of a place to have sex, we probably did it there. Sweet texts and communications. Extra delectable when we happened to text each other at the same time. It felt good to consistently and constantly be desired. Then, it descended into something toxic, more heavy. He had gotten his wife pregnant. You never really think about the fact that a man who is not leaving his wife to be with you, is more than likely screwing you both! Once your feelings and emotions are engaged, this will always hurt you.
It’s a major distraction — Affairs are fantasy. No matter how deeply you connect with someone. No matter what the circumstances are that brought the two of you together, it’s simply not real. You are trapped in a hedonistic bubble of pleasure with this other person. My affair consisted of going out, “wining and dining”, and sex! That was the magic formula for the time we spent together. We rarely discussed the future. Not in any real tangible or practical sense. He didn’t really concern himself with my dreams, much less what role he could play in bringing them to fruition. We both had entire lives outside of our relationship. The time I devoted to the affair, could have and should have been channeled internally. I should have been dealing with the “why” behind this major life distraction. However, it was comfortable for me to settle into a place of denial and avoidance. The longer an affair goes on, the farther away you will get from yourself and your goals.
Alienation Will Make Everything Much Worse — Being a part of an adulterous affair was incredibly shameful for me. This is clearly not something you want the whole free world to know about. I often felt very alone with my secret. Even when I did share with very close friends, I would only provide very small bits and pieces of what was going on. No one person knew the entire story. Not only did I deny anyone the opportunity to be the voice of reason when I probably needed it the most, but I felt terribly isolated from my family and friends at the hands of my dark secret.
You will become increasingly more comfortable with “fuckery” — Shortly, after my affair began, I became drunk one evening while we were out. Liquor brought all my truest thoughts to the surface. I told my lover that I wasn’t this chick. The chick who sleeps with married men and cheats on her own man. After a brief time of not speaking to each other, we reunited. It wasn’t long before, I had to accept that this is exactly who I am. A person who cheats. A person who helps someone to erode his vows. A person who erodes her own vows. I was never proud of the person I became. However, the longer I was involved, the more comfortable I became with the relationship. Eventually, I stopped resisting and resigned myself to simply “going along for the ride”.
You stay longer than you wanted to stay — In the beginning, it seemed I was unable to fully comprened what I was involved in. Each time we hooked up, I felt it would be the last. I was unattached emotionally. The second time we went out, I asked him what he thought about “us”. Was the last time, just a one and done? Or did he feel like this could happen again? He said that he felt it could go either way. So it did. A random hook up turned into an actual relationship where we sometimes joked about our “married boyfriend/girlfriend”. My younger self would have been disgusted. I judged cheaters like anyone else would. At some point, I accepted that I was indeed a sidepiece.
No matter what you say, your feelings will be involved — No matter what you tell yourself, or whoever you’ve decided to disclose the relationship to, you do care. You do have feelings for him. You might even love him. The emotions make it a lot more challenging to get off the “joyride”.
Your self-esteem will plummet — Whether you want more or not, you’ll still compare yourself to “his wife”. Rationally, you’ll think you have no desire to swap places with this woman. After all, she’s married to an unneutered dog. But irrationally, you’ll wonder if he “only” sees you as his “good time” girl. You’ll wonder whether what he says is true. Whether or not “things would truly be different if only the two of you had met first”, “whether or not, he is really staying because he doesn’t want to break his children’s hearts”, or if is he just really skilled at telling you what you need to hear to continue getting what he needs and wants from you? There is no sense of security in an affair. You can be discovered at any moment. The affair can end as a result. You’re a secret. No one knows about you or your relationship. Who really wants to be a part of a relationship that someone is ashamed of or can’t share with anyone?
He won’t leave — In fact, your relationship makes it even easier not to leave. The affair allows a cheating spouse to piecemeal his or her happiness. Whatever deficit is going on in the main relationship, can be mitigated by the outlet that the affair provides. Plus, if you aren’t requiring, why would someone leave their marriage for you? Quite simply, they won’t. I agree that relationships are complicated, but there is nothing that complicated about honoring your promise to remain loyal and faithful to the person you planned on spending the rest of your life with.
You will experience the affair from the other side — We were busted…his wife called me. She called my husband. Of course, I was upset, but I was able to empathize with her and my husband. They didn’t sign up for this. It wasn’t their fault that they married people who lacked the internal fortitude and maturity to deal with their unhappiness and directly communicate with their significant others. I was selfish in focusing on my own temporary happiness and needs. I felt awful for what my husband was experiencing and the intense pain he endured at the hands of my selfish actions. I could understand that his wife was also experiencing a myriad of uncomfortable emotions and heartbreak.
You deserve better — You deserve a partner who is solely committed to you. You deserve someone who wants to try to be what you need and want in a partner. You deserve someone who wants to build with you and for you. You deserve to have someone present and active in your life and not just on the periphery of a life that they are actively building with someone else. If you actually want to be in a real and healthy monogamous relationship, you’ll never find this in him. You deserve better, he won’t be able to give it to you. Run like the house is on fire!
