The Thrill of the Chase: Why We Pursue Unattainable Love Interests
I was dating a man who just wasn’t “it.” I kept going back, only to be greeted with the same outcome. It was like our version of Ferris Bueller’s Day off, or maybe the definition of insanity personified. “Doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results.” We kept returning to each other argument after argument, expecting a change.
For my part, I enjoyed his company and liked him as a person, but I was clear that this was a temporary, convenient, and light situationship. For his part, while I can’t entirely speak for him, I do know that he liked me a lot and refused to believe or accept that I didn’t want anything serious with him. All arguments were some derivative of him feeling inadequate and unable to process why I felt the way I felt. He would often tell me how much he thinks about me and how much effort he puts into making me feel good when I see him, whether picking up liquor for my favorite cocktail or fixing something in my home. He wanted me to associate him with happiness.
In my defense, I was always honest and direct. However, I wish he loved himself more to understand that I didn’t have the ability or the desire to give him what he wanted and that no matter what he did to please me, we wouldn’t happen the way he wanted.
Have you ever found yourself chasing after someone who you know deep down isn’t right for you? Or maybe they aren’t into you and have made it obvious directly and indirectly, but for whatever reason, you just can’t get the idea of the two of you being a real couple out of your head? Have you ever stopped to wonder why people pursue people that can’t have?
Wanting What You Can’t Have
It’s human nature to want what we can’t have, and this can be especially true when it comes to romantic relationships. The thrill of the chase and the excitement of the unknown can be intoxicating, and we may find ourselves drawn to someone simply because they are unattainable. Challenge sparks desire.
Seeking validation
If your self-esteem is predicated on external sources, then rejection can be a challenge in and of itself. The chase that was initially about being with this person suddenly turns into a mission of you validating your worth as a person and desirability as a potential partner if and when this person echoes your feelings.
Triggers and Unhealed Trauma
This new person may remind you of a past relationship that didn’t end quite as you had hoped. If you’ve been hurt or rejected in the past, you may find yourself chasing after people you know deep down aren’t right for you simply because you want to fill the void of your past experience or give yourself a second chance to do things differently.
Fantasy Has Outpaced Reality
Have you ever had a crush on someone and fantasized about the future while planning your whole life together, but the two of you barely even spoke? Sometimes we chase a prospect because of the fantasy of the person we built up in our head. And even though it’s clear the feelings and emotions are not reciprocated, we are too married to our fabricated delusion to accept the reality of another person’s apparent disinterest.
The Art of Pursuit
Someone has to pursue someone. That’s natural and standard in the dating world. Typically, it’s the man who is the pursuer. But whoever decides to pursue, should be mindful of the signals being sent their way.
Pursuing people who we can’t have or don’t share our interests can be frustrating and disappointing. If you find yourself in this position, take a step back and assess why you continue to chase someone who does not reciprocate your feelings.
Ask yourself what you want and need from a relationship and whether this person can give that to you. Remember that rejection is not a reflection of your worth as a person and that there are many other people out there who may be a better match for you and with whom your time, energy, and efforts are better spent.
